Farewell To The Old Me
by lizardwriter
Summary: "It was painful as Karen pressed her lips harshly against hers. It was a desperate need to feel something, anything. Effy knew that. It was why she kissed back." A Karen/Effy oneshot.  Disclaimer:  Skins and the characters aren't mine.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Skins or the characters. Title from the Dar Williams song of the same name.**

**A/N: Written in a day and unbeta'd so most likely riddled with errors for which I apologise. Also, you might wanna put your angst mittens on, kids. Enjoy! **

**.**

**.**

"It's your fault! Your fucking fault!" Karen pushed her hard, her back slamming against the wall behind her.

She didn't reply. She couldn't. She could only stare back at the big brown eyes that looked oh so familiar, but weren't quite right that were glaring at her with such anger.

"You fucking bitch! If it weren't for you, he'd still be here! He'd be here and he'd be okay!" Karen continued her assault, slapping her hard across the face.

She felt the sting in her cheek, but still she couldn't respond. Karen was breaking. She could see that plainly as the tears began to stream down her face and her voice grew more and more broken.

"My baby brother," Karen half whimpered, delivering another, half-hearted blow to the face. "It's your fault."

Karen was crying onto her shoulder now, hands curled in tight fists in her T-shirt, nails digging slightly into her side.

For several long moments they simply stood there, Karen's sobs the only sound breaking the silence as her body shuddered against hers.

Finally, Effy found her voice and spoke the only truth she could find in the moment. "I know."

.

.

The kiss caught her off guard. It was bruising, biting. It was painful as Karen pressed her lips harshly against hers. It was a desperate need to feel something, anything. Effy knew that. It was why she kissed back. It was why she reached her hand up, tangling it in Karen's hair, pulling her closer, tugging harder than she should have, hard enough that Karen would feel it. It was why Karen dug her nails in sharply to Effy's sides, putting pressure enough that Effy knew that the crescent shaped marks wouldn't soon fade.

And then the feeling came and the kissing stopped.

Karen shoved her back so violently that her eyes saw black for a moment when her head slammed back against the wall.

"I fucking hate you!" Karen growled breathlessly, eyes once again glaring daggers through her skull.

Effy didn't reply as Karen turned and marched out of the room without looking back. She didn't flinch as the door slammed shut behind her with enough force to shake the whole house. She didn't move as the front door slammed a minute later, just as loud.

She stood frozen in place for what felt like hours, but could only have been minutes, staring blankly at the empty white walls above the plain beige carpet, (the bleakness of her soul reflected back at her, she thought), before finally, she murmured, "Me too," before collapsing to the floor, sobs overtaking her whole body.

.

.

She didn't stop crying. Not when her mum came home and wrapped her arms tightly around her. Not when Tony appeared and placed her in bed, pulling the covers up and tucking them under her chin, laying Pato just beside her, before climbing into bed as well and holding her. Not when she heard Katie in the hallway arguing to see her. Not when the men came with the ambulance. Not even when the cold metal of the needle pinched into her skin and the cool drugs began to make their way through her veins. Not even as she drifted, finally, into a drug-induced, restless sleep.

.

.

Six months. That was how long they kept her in. New hospital, obviously. New doctor, too, given that her last one was on life support and, should he ever have woken up, had a life sentence waiting for him. A therapist too. And a group therapist. And regular visits from her mum, and Tony, and Katie. No Cook. Being in prison didn't leave much flexibility for visiting loony bins. No Panda, either. She was off in America with Thomas. No JJ. He couldn't even look at her.

No Karen, either.

.

.

Her mum had moved, and, judging by the smell, painted recently. No white in this flat. Just cheerful or calming colours. Clearly that was all it took to keep someone sane, Effy thought acerbically.

"I picked out the new bedspread. Trust me, babes. You'll thank me. Your mum wanted this fucking horrendous thing that completely clashed with the lovely green she chose for your walls. Honestly, sometimes I think she's got decent taste, and sometimes I think she's fucking blind," Katie nattered away as she was led down the hall to what was apparently 'her room'.

Yellow and blue. That's what colour her new duvet turned out to be. Matching sheets and pillowcases, of course. She'd expect nothing less from Katie Fitch. To her credit, both complemented the walls beautifully. _If only I actually gave a fuck._

"Well?" Katie stood there beaming.

"It's nice. Thanks," Effy replied, aware of exactly what response was expected of her.

The old Katie Fitch wouldn't have thought that that was enough of a response, of course, and Effy knew that, but she also knew that the new one, the one that stood before her now, the one who'd visited her weekly in the hospital as she'd refused to speak for two months, would think it plenty.

Katie smirked, clearly pleased with herself. "I'm looking into interior design programmes, you know. Turns out I've got a skill. Your mum even had me help with the rest of the flat."

_That explains the leopard print throw pillows on the couch._

"Right, well, Tony's waiting. I'll see you later, yeah?" Katie commented after a pause.

Effy nodded.

She'd seen them coming, of course. Even being in the hospital, she wasn't that blind. They made sense, really. She'd never known two more stubborn people in her life, and that seemed to work for them. They were both so stubborn individually that they somehow balanced each other out in their relationship. They both had to learn to give some.

"Can I get you anything, love?" her mum appeared in the doorway, and Effy knew that she was doing her best not to hover.

"No, thanks. Just tired," Effy replied.

Mercifully her mother left her alone. She lay down in her new bed and stared up at the off-white ceiling, not bothering to kick her shoes off.

"So this is it," she commented after a few minutes to her empty room, the sound echoing unfamiliarly around her. "This is my new life."

.

.

Of all the people she expected to see at her homecoming party, Karen would have ranked near the bottom, just above Freddie (because death means you stop attending parties, she thought wryly) and just below Cook (because she still wasn't sure that prison could keep him from parties).

She showed up late, once Anthea was well into her second bottle of wine, Katie and Tony had disappeared off to his bedroom, and the two 'friends' she'd made at the hospital who'd gotten out before her had made their excuses to head out.

"Some party," Karen commented without any hint of pleasantness in her voice.

"Yeah," Effy replied absently. She didn't ask why Karen was there, and Karen didn't offer any explanation. There was no acknowledgement of the time that had passed since they last spoke. There was no indication that Karen remembered what had happened last time they saw each other.

Karen grabbed an open bottle of wine from the table and looked at Effy expectantly.

Effy led the way quietly to her room, Karen following silently after.

Karen laughed, half balking, half cold when she saw the bedroom. "Not very you."

"No," Effy agreed, taking a seat at the edge of her bed.

Karen followed suit, but Effy could feel the distance that she specifically placed between them, suddenly reminding her of everything she'd lost. No other McClair child would ever see this room, would ever sit on this bed. He was gone, forever, body embalmed, buried beneath the ground, someday to turn to dust.

They sat in silence, Karen continuing to drink straight from the bottle, downing a good half before offering it to Effy.

Effy shook her head. "Meds," she voiced by way of explanation. Not that she cared, especially, but she'd had a few glasses, and, after six months of no alcohol at all, they'd hit her harder than she'd cared to admit.

Karen snorted, but resumed sipping on the wine.

When the bottle was all but empty, Karen spoke again. "I still fucking hate you, you know that?"

Effy nodded, even though she knew that Karen didn't really need a response.

"You stole my brother. If it weren't for you-"

"I know," Effy cut her off. Six months of intensive therapy and mood-altering drugs had done little to assuage her guilt over Freddie's death. She may not have been the one to lift a baseball bat to him, but if it weren't for her, for her initial breakdown, for her giving into his love, none of it ever would have happened.

The silence picked up where it had left off, Karen idly spinning the almost empty bottle in her hands. Effy watched the liquid splash around and around.

"He'd want you to be happy," Effy voiced the platitude that had been spoken to her by friends, family, and doctors alike. Sad part was: Freddie was the type of romantic sap who'd really want that. Nonetheless the words rang hollow.

In an instant Karen was straddling her, bottle discarded angrily to the floor, hand at Effy's throat. "You don't know a fucking thing about what he'd want! You don't know him like I did! He was my brother, and you were just some girl! You know what he'd want? He'd want to not be dead!"

"He loved me," Effy countered the only part of the tirade that she knew to be false.

"And it killed him," Karen spat back, hand still closed around Effy's throat.

Just as suddenly as she'd attacked, Karen's lips were on hers, the hand not at her throat scratching angrily along her side.

Effy knew that in some perverted way she was being punished. It was the one thing that no one had done to her yet. No one but herself, that is. It was the one thing she'd thought she deserved, so she let it happen. She felt it happen. She felt the way her body responded to the angry touches, to the bruising kisses, and she couldn't help wondering if Karen was feeling it too. Maybe it was both a punishment and another attempt to feel something, to be close to Freddie the only way she knew how anymore. The only way either of them knew how.

"Fuck you!" Karen hissed in her ear, before she bit down hard on her earlobe. Her hand finally moved from Effy's throat and began to knead her breast harshly through her top.

Effy stared straight into Karen's dark eyes, pupil's dilated so much that she could barely make out the familiar, comforting brown that mirrored Freddie's in them. "He did."

Karen froze above her, and for a split second, Effy thought that she was going to bolt again, leaving her this time, not just with a hole in her chest, but an ache in her cunt. Instead, Karen's eyes softened, just for a split second, but it was all that Effy needed, and suddenly she was feeling so much more.

She kissed Karen, pulling her back down before flipping her over. She kissed Karen softer, remembering the feel of Freddie's lips on hers, realising how similar they tasted. It was wrong, she knew, to compare them, but she couldn't not.

His hands had been big and rough, where hers were small and soft. His nose had always hit hers when they'd go to reconnect a kiss in a way that hers didn't. He had always taken his time to lavish kisses down her neck, when she seemed dead set on keeping her lips glued to Effy's.

Still, it was close, the closest she'd felt to him since the day she'd found out he'd disappeared, close enough to forget, to pretend for a little while.

.

.

"You mean nothing," Karen growled, her fingers moving rhythmically inside of Effy, thumb rubbing down too hard on her clit.

"I did to him," Effy replies after a repressed moan.

Karen bore down harder, adding a third finger and thrusting still deeper inside of her.

It was enough, somehow, this constant reminder of him, to keep both of them going, to keep them touching, kissing, thrusting. He was their only connection, the only thing they had in common. He loved them both.

.

.

When Effy came, it was his name on her lips.

.

.

When Karen came, she broke into tears and shoved Effy away. "You're a fucking slut. I always fucking knew it."

"So did he, and he loved me anyway," Effy replied, wiping off her face and running her tongue over her lips, the taste of Karen still lingering there. The thought, _Nothing like Freddie,_ ran through her head.

Karen dressed quickly, but she didn't leave. Instead she stayed huddled in a corner of the bed, knees pulled up to her chin.

Effy threw on an oversized shirt, more because she felt she should than because she felt any need to. She watched as Karen continued to cry, tears streaming down her face, streaking black mascara as they fell. She climbed awkwardly back into bed beside Karen, sitting next to her as she stared out at her green wall. _Still bleak, even if it's not white,_ she thought.

She listened as Karen's sobs eventually began to subside, but kept her eyes glued ahead.

"I miss him," Karen sniffled after a few more minutes. "I miss him so fucking much!"

Effy closed her eyes and bit back tears of her own. She inhaled deeply, slowly, like they'd done at the beginning of her therapy sessions. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

"He was my baby brother. He was my first best friend. He was always my biggest cheerleader with the dance and stuff. He was the first person who let me cut his hair. I wouldn't be doing that every day now, if it weren't for him, and some days that's all I can fucking think about."

Effy glanced sideways at Karen and found her staring at fingers as they picked at an errant thread on the duvet.

"And it kills me that you're the only other person who seems to feel this as badly as I do. I went to visit Cook, and you fucking know him, he made jokes. It's how he deals, I know, but I don't fucking want jokes. I love my brother. I miss him."

Effy nodded, still unwilling to speak. She knew that Karen wasn't finished, and whatever had prompted this impromptu conversation would most likely end if Effy voiced an opinion.

"When our mum died, he cried for days, and I held him. I told him it would be okay. I was his big sister and he'd be okay. We'd get on. We'd keep going, because we have each other. I'd look after him," Karen punctuated that comment with a sniffle and when Effy glanced up at her face, she saw that tears had begun to trickle down Karen's tanned cheeks once more. "But I didn't. I let him down. And now he's gone and I don't have anyone anymore."

Effy reached out her hand slowly, giving Karen time to pull away, but she simply continued to pick at the thread until Effy's hand closed over hers. Effy squeezed tightly, and Karen clasped her hand back, holding on as if for dear life.

"He was the first boy I ever loved," Effy admitted. "And I fought him, fought loving him. I didn't want to love him. I didn't want to believe in love like he did. But I know, the way I miss him, that only happens with love."

Karen turned to look at her then. "You've got family. Friends, even. My dad moved away and he rarely calls. He doesn't want to think of Bristol."

Effy shrugged. "So you've got me." She wasn't sure why she offered it, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth she knew she meant them.

Karen laughed, and finally there was a hint of actual amusement in her laugh. She shook her head and pulled her hand away. "I don't think that would work."

"Probably not, what with you hating me," Effy replied, allowing a smirk to settle across her lips.

Karen nodded. "Exactly," she replied, offering Effy a small smile.

"Still, at least I'm good in bed," Effy said in mock thoughtfulness.

Karen laughed again, a little more heartily. She smacked Effy lightly on the arm, none of the vehemence that she'd entered the room with present in the gesture. "You wish."

Effy's smile widened, but then she sobered and Karen did too.

"He's never coming back," Karen sighed.

"No," Effy agreed.

Karen nodded sadly, then got to her feet and walked away, taking the lingering ghost of Freddie with her.

.

.

She needed a haircut. It had grown far too long while she was in the hospital. Katie commented on it all the time. She even offered to cut it.

Effy shook her head one day when Katie was being rather insistent. "I know a hairstylist."

"Go fucking see them then!" Katie urged.

.

.

She did. She didn't know why exactly. She probably shouldn't. What had happened in the confines of her bedroom most likely hadn't changed anything out in the real world. That wasn't how life worked. One conversation never fixes anything.

Still, when she pushed open the glass door and the chime rang out, announcing her arrival, Karen eyes came up to meet hers and she smiled softly.

"Lucky for you my two o'clock cancelled," she commented in lieu of a greeting, and pointed to the back for Effy to go get her hair washed.

.

.

"Can I please just give you some layers or something?" Karen requested. "Give you a bit more volume?"

Effy raised an eyebrow, and Karen sighed.

"Fine. I'll just give you a boring hair cut."

"Thank you," Effy replied.

Despite the chatter surrounding them in the salon, silence stretched out between them.

This was one of those social situations where Effy always felt like she should try to contribute something to get a conversation going. She rarely did, because silence had always made other people squirm much more than it did her, but Karen was different, and maybe part of the reason she was there was to try to mend the bridge between them.

"How've you been?" Effy finally asked.

Karen shrugged as she stretched out a portion of Effy's hair, pulling it straight before snipping a few inches off the end. "He's still dead."

Something about the frankness of the reply made Effy let out a bark of laughter.

Karen froze and frowned, but then she shook her head and let out small snort of her own. "Not really the place for that type of talk, is it?"

Effy shook her head. "Probably not."

Karen sighed. "My dad phoned the other day. He got offered a job in Munich. I think he's going to take it."

"Does he speak German?"

"Not a word," Karen replied with a grin.

Effy smiled in return.

"How about you, then? Still mental?" Karen inquired, comparing two bits of hair to make sure they were the same length.

"Probably," Effy shrugged. "Not especially the place for that talk either."

"If you don't stop moving, I might give you a bad haircut, and it'll be all your fault," Karen warned as Effy repositioned herself in the chair.

Effy sat stock still for a minute, then relaxed a bit when Karen started to chuckle.

"Did you know that Katie's dating my brother?"

"What, like the same Katie who used to date my brother?" Karen asked in surprise.

"One and the same," Effy confirmed.

"Well, what do you know, we have something else in common," Karen muttered, a hint of amusement evident in her voice.

Effy nodded.

"Seriously, you do realise I'm holding scissors to your head, right?" Karen threatened.

"Sorry," Effy mumbled, but she could tell that it was an idle threat.

Maybe one conversation was all it took to start to make things right, but two, apparently made things even better.

.

.

They started to hang out regularly, though whose idea it was, Effy couldn't say. The tension and sadness that had once laced their visits began to dissipate. Effy found, much to her surprise, that she could actually talk to Karen in a way that she'd never been able to with counsellors or even her brother. Their shared loss meant that they understood each other better than she could have imagined.

Freddie turned into less and less of a focus between them when they were together, and instead, the little day-to-day occurrences of life stepped up to fill the gap.

.

.

When Karen finally kissed her again, it wasn't harsh or hateful or bookended by angry words. Instead, there was a tenderness to it that Effy had only ever felt once before. That thought didn't make her sad, though. Or scared. Instead, it almost felt right.

Karen's eyes searched hers as she pulled away, questioning. "Do you think he'd-"

"No," Effy cut her off with another kiss. "No, I don't," she replied, tracing a soft trail of kisses down Karen's neck.

.

.

When Effy came this time, it was Karen who was on her mind. The soft vanilla scent of her body lotion, the jasmine of her shampoo, the way her hair fell into Effy's face as their bodies moved together.

.

.

When Karen came, it was with Effy's name on her lips, arching her back up as her hips ground against Effy's palm.

There were no tears, just a shared cigarette passed above a white duvet (that Karen had gone with her to buy and Katie had protested about).

.

.

"I'm going to propose to Katie," Tony beamed down at her, the small, black velvet box in his hand, thumb rubbing over it excitedly.

"Aren't you a bit young?" Effy asked.

"She's twenty and I'm twenty-two. People get married at fifteen in some places. I'd say we're just about average," Tony argued, smile still intact.

Effy rolled her eyes and smiled. If it were any other two people she'd advise against it (except Naomi and Emily who had already gone and gotten engaged), but she'd seen them together, and she knew it was love. They fit together. "I'm happy for you."

Tony popped the box open and showed her the ring. Effy knew from one look at it that he'd been planning this for a while, saving for it. One glance into her brother's clear blue eyes and she saw he was certain and happy. That was all that mattered, after all.

"She'll love it," Effy informed him with a smile. _How funny that the 'friend' I once couldn't wait to get away from will now join my family as a true friend,_ she pondered to herself.

"You should bring her, you know," Tony commented.

"Who? Where?"

"That girl you've been seeing. Karen. To the wedding. Not that it will be soon. Knowing Katie, she'll probably want to plan out every last detail, and she'll change her mind, so maybe in a year or two," Tony chuckled. "Maybe you'll even officially introduce her to me before then."

"Katie?" Effy suggested in a teasing voice. "I should hope you've met."

Tony reached out and ruffled her hair before placing a kiss on her cheek. "You don't fool me, Effy Stonem," he told her before he left the room, whistling a happy little tune as he went.

.

.

They hadn't told anyone, but she really should have known better than to think that she could hide things from her brother, especially since they were living under the same roof again.

It probably helped that they hadn't been especially quiet in the bedroom of late.

Katie probably knew too, then, since she stayed over most nights, and Tony's room was right next to hers. Besides, Tony had probably told her.

.

.

"My brother wants to meet you," Effy informed her as they lay in her bed, Karen's fingers casually stroking up and down her bare spine.

Karen let out a laugh. "Your brother's met me. We exchanged pleasantries in the kitchen just last week."

Effy rolled her eyes, wishing that she didn't have to explain this particular concept. "No, he wants to officially meet you."

"What? Like as your girlfriend?"

Effy tensed. They hadn't defined it either, and the last person who'd called her his boyfriend...

"As a person in my life."

She looked up when Karen didn't respond immediately, and caught furrowed, perfectly manicured brows.

"Is that what I am?" she asked softly.

Effy didn't have an answer.

"Is this important? Me meeting him?" Karen inquired.

Effy rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. "He's my brother." It was all she needed to say.

.

.

"That went well," Karen mused.

Effy's heart was still racing, but Karen wasn't wrong. Tony'd liked her. The wink he'd shot her when she'd headed to her room with Karen had been a sign that he liked her. It was remarkable how much that meant to her, when she'd thought that she didn't need him.

"Not bad," Effy agreed, doing her best to sound nonchalant.

"You need to put in something embarrassing about Katie when you give a speech at their wedding, though," Karen added.

Effy smirked. Katie had been rather smug, clearly finding the entire situation rather amusing. "I might be able to manage that, if they actually make me give a speech."

"Please! You're the sister of the groom. It's basically a given. Plus you'll undoubtedly be a bridesmaid."

Effy groaned. "If she puts us in anything leopard print, I'm not putting it on. I'd rather walk down the aisle naked."

Karen laughed, then rolled over so that she was on top of Effy. "I wouldn't mind that."

That was when it hit her. Really truly hit her. This was them now. Karen was no longer a replacement for Freddie. Effy wasn't Karen's best way to connect with him. It was just the two of them, there, together. She stared into Karen's brown eyes, now familiar for a completely different reason than they used to be, and she saw only Karen there. She swallowed hard. "Well you'll find out if it happens, because you're my date," Effy informed her.

Karen's eyes twinkled and she smiled down at Effy. "Really?"

Effy felt her heart skip a beat. She did her best to shrug with Karen still on top of her. "As my girlfriend, seems only fitting."

.

.

The kiss itself was no surprise. What threw her off, were the emotions it stirred in her. When Karen broke the kiss, she kept her eyes closed for a second, letting the feelings that she thought she'd never feel again flood through her.

"He'd think this was funny," she thought aloud, only realising that she'd actually vocalised it when Karen stiffened above her.

After a second, Karen relaxed back into her. "Yeah. I think you're right. I mean you've seen his stash of girl/girl porn DVDs, right?"

Effy laughed, remembering how mortified he'd looked the day she'd discovered them under his bed. "Yeah."

Karen kissed her again, softly, tenderly, and Effy let emotion wash over her again as she kissed back, relishing the feel of Karen's lips on hers, of her tongue brushing slowly, carefully at first, then more passionately against her own.

.

.

"It wasn't your fault, you know," Karen said softly when they were lying in bed later that night, the sheets twisted around them. She stroked her fingers gently through Effy's hair.

Effy closed her eyes tight and let the words sink in. She wasn't sure she believed that, just yet, but maybe she was starting to. It was nice to know that Karen didn't blame her anymore. Even if she'd known that somewhere at the back of her mind, it felt like a weight was lifted off of her, hearing it aloud. "It wasn't yours either," she replied, opening her eyes and capturing Karen's hand in her own, kissing her knuckles one at a time.

Karen met her gaze, and Effy knew that a similar thought process to the one she'd just had was going through her mind. Karen smiled at her after a moment, and kissed her forehead.

Effy felt more than heard the "thank you" whispered against her skin. She smiled back. "Thank you," she replied. After all, they'd gotten there together.


End file.
